Thursday, October 30, 2003
Life is strange. We spend at least a fourth of our lives learning how to live life by our parental models. Then, when we are set loose into the world, we spend the rest our lives relearning how to approach life and unlearning some of the unhealthy "normal" skills our parents have taught us. There eventually comes a day when the realization comes that you are an adult and that you see that your parents weren't and aren't perfect, and that you are the same. In an ideal(Christian) world, parents and adult children could see eachother as such and begin the road to forgiveness. However, the reality is that we live in a broken and sick world, and only through the grace of God can there be healing.
I pray this for my family. Right now, my parents are not speaking to me because I have begun to see that we can be a better family. I am seeing some of those things that aren't perfect, in fact, are evil; a product of a group of people that are sick and in need of God's salvation. Unfortunately, what I am seeing as being evil, has been labeled good. As a result of this, because I care and am not satisfied with sinning, I am accused of being the sinner and that I don't care. I don't live up to the expectations that have been placed on me. Thankfully, the God that I serve has different expectations, and they are full of grace.
I visited with my priest last night and was encouraged beyond words. And to top it off, I was able to go to Vespers and hear that God is lofty and beyond reach, but at the same time He is intimately closer than I could ever imagine. Not only Him, but His Righteous, Glorious and Victorious Martyrs and Saints. They are beseaching God all the time to help and save me and my family. In the storm of guilt, shame and confusion I will put my trust in Him.
9:26 AM
Monday, October 27, 2003
Another chronicle in the Castor Saga:
My Mom has been in the hospital for over a week now. She has been struggling with her reason for living, and what she has found to be the reason is us. According to my Father, we are to attend an "emergency" therapy session before the hospital will let her go. Otherwise, she has no reason for living, and she will want to harm herself. Not a surprise that the hospital will not let her go.
But, I ask, is this my responsibility? Should I believe this lie that somehow I have control over another human being's reason for living? I will not. Even when, deep down in my guts, I feel I should. As crazy as it sounds, I feel two opposing things. One, I feel guilty. Two, I feel a resolve, and consequently relief, to be honest with my Mom and Dad as to the destructive consequences of this lie. Maybe if enough shame is poured on, I will feel so guilty that I will collapse into the soft, manipulated clay that I have been for so long. Well, there is structure inherent in this lump, and it is time for it to show. I will NOT give in to the guilt or the lie. I can be stronger than this. And, maybe strong enough to encourage others to be strong as well. It is so easy for me to become lost in all that I feel by collapsing in self-pity. But, I will not. A test of my Faith? The Saints were fond of saying that if no suffering existed in their lives, they needed to pray ever more fervently for their Salvation and for hardship. This is what refined and formed the Saints we read about today. I am encouraged by this. God is with me and I want to learn whatever it is He wants me to learn. I am tempted to bury my head in the sand of distraction, and although I have to some extent, I will lift my head.
"Oh Holy King, the Comforter, the Spirit of Truth. Who art everywhere and fillest all things. Come and abide in us, and cleanse us from every stain, and save our souls, oh gracious Lord."
8:19 PM
