Tuesday, October 14, 2003
Lots of things going through my head, tonight. My mom tried to commit suicide yesterday. Fortunately, they were pills that could only give her mild respiratory problems. Although, her liver could be permanently damaged. Anyway, she is in stable condition.
I, however, am not. Once again, this has happened. Of course, this flys in the face of this popular Castor idea that mom is getting "better".
I feel like this is all of my fault! I feel so much guilt...That somehow I should have been able to do something that would have prevented this. Like my mom has said, and after hearing it my whole life it is hard not to believe, "you kids are my whole life." Along with this guilt, I am angry. Angry at the very person that tried to kill herself. "How could you be angry with someone who tried to die. Shouldn't you be thinking about her well-being, support, and want to do anything you can to help her?" Well, then the anger doesn't make any sense, does it? Hmmmmm....
Or, "Hey Jared, I just called to let you know that I have been free of suicidal thoughts for three days. It's like alcoholics annonymous, just called suicidal tendency annonymous. Celebrate with me!" Shouldn't I be excited?
The mind job...I'm sick and tired of this! How do I feel? I want my Mom to be better...I want my fucking Dad to feel something...I feel like this is all my fault; if I just would have been a better kid...I'm fucking angry that I am expected to be something I am not...I'm hurt and disappointed that people just can't seem to understand how I feel...That I should only feel one thing at a time...I feel nothing...I feel everything...I wish this would all just go away...I'm scared that the next call I get is that my mom has really done it this time...Does God think this is my fault...I feel lonely...
"God, I pray for help. I am sinking in the raging waters. I here you calling. My hand is outstretched; please raise me up. Even though I am overwhelmed, I am looking to you. I believe that you love me. That you trully created me out of that love. I don't understand why these things are happening and I am angry at you because you won't make it stop. I am afraid. In the midst of all this, I will trust you. I believe that you are here with me, even now when it feels that you are far away. I call upon you, hear me. Hear my cry. Attend to the voice of my cry, when I call upon you. Hear me, oh Lord!"
9:56 PM
