Saturday, September 20, 2003
This place. I hate this place. You know the one...you are confronted with your sin, yet you still want to hold on. What feels right is to deny. Deny everything. Then it comes. Truth. It really does cut like a two-edged sword. On the one hand, it cuts away all attempts at excuses or blame. On the other, it slices in pieces the lie that life is hopeless; why keep trying? What is left? God's grace. A broken and contrite heart He will not despise. In fact, in some mystical way, He is made powerful in our weakness, when the opposite would seem true. Letting go. The pride, the guilt, the self-contempt...now the abundance of God's grace.
I am so far from righteousness. I fall short in so many ways. But the minute I try to fill in the gaps, I crumble. Why do I run from pain and discomfort, when paradoxicallly, it leads me to joy unspeakable? Why sacrifice? Why take up my cross, day by day? To have a clear conscience? To say, "Look. Look at what I've done!"? Or to experience God's grace and this mystically, absolutely wonderful, gift of God: His love!
Do I really hate this place? Or do I want, desire and yearn, for God's love? With joy, suffering abounds.
Thursday, September 18, 2003
Well, I didn't keep my commtment to talk about all that we learned at Eagle River. For that, I apologize! I, however, will not be keeping that commitment. I am still processing through the wonderful wisdom and insight that Bishop Ware bestowed upon us! I just do not want to use my Blog for that at this time.
It has been a while since my last post!(James says, "Duh!") We will deal with this on the river, James!
I just haven't had the desire to write lately. Many troubling things have happened in my life that have forced me to look at myself; it hasn't been pretty. Life is so easy when I am distracted from myself, but when reality sets in(God's grace?), life becomes hard. I have for the longest time been unwilling to face life, but again, God has intervened. I have always found it easier to blame someone or something for the disgusting reality of the sin in my life. Judging others has always been like a disgusting, dirt covered, smelly security blanket from my "infant" days that it is hard for me to put that blanket in the trash and move on to spiritually higher and better things.
One of those reality shocking events has been that recently(February) my Mother was diagnosed as having severe Dissociative Identity Disorder(previously known as Multiple Personality Disorder). She was diagnosed only after having herself committed into a psych. unit for wanting to kill herself. This has been a horrible shock to me and my family, but not surprising...I have felt, my whole life, that something has not been quite right with my Mother. There have never been any "boundaries-a counseling word" between me or my Mother. I have not, since February, been willing or even able in my estimation, to begin to deal with this. All of this time it has been about her and her therapy. What I am finding is, is that I have been severely traumatized by her illness. As a result of this, I have deep hatred and distrust towards her, and consequently, do not have a lot of boundaries myself.
Well, I have decided to move out of this rut of "not dealing with life" and begin to: I have begun therapy, have been talking to my Priest, and have joined a support group for "Adult Children with Parents that Have a Mental Illness". I have to start taking responsibility for my life and quit blaming others. Please pray for me and my family...we need it. Up to this point, the rest of my family is dealing with this just as I have been doing: not. As a consequence of this, I have been labeled the son that "doesn't care" and is "selfish". I hope and pray that through my example, my siblings and Father will begin to question their "reality" and see God's grace for them.
I will continue to post once in a while, only when I feel moved to. I needed to write this, not only to ask for your prayers, but to bring these things into "reality".
Lastly, if there is anyone out there that has been dealing with, or is beginning to deal with, someone with a mental illness, please let me know. I would hope we could share resources.
