Friday, July 25, 2003
I have been having a bad day today. Many things are going on in my life right now. Sometimes I feel like I will colapse under all the feelings that I am feeling right now. I find myself wanting to feel those things that are easier to feel(at least, as I perceive them)...despair, self-loathing, anger, bitterness, pride...Harder to look at is my sin and its consequences. I find that the place I am in right now has a lot to do with the consequence of my many sins. I am a walking contradiction. I want to stay on the spiritual path, but I don't want to. I want to hate and blame and I want to forgive and humble myself. Where is the middle ground? What feelings are legitimate and what are dangerously teetering on the edge of sin? I want to stay the path...
"Whoever wishes to follow me, must first deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me."
Yes, it's true. My days are numbered! I have a disease and it is slowly killing me. My death may come sooner than later, and I am beginning to put my affairs in order. I haven't started feeling any pain yet, though. It makes it hard to believe that my death is inevitable. My doctor has informed me that there is really no way to alleviate the pain that I am going to experience. All I can do is prepare myself for the eventuality.
Now, the doctor I am referring to is the Church Fathers, Apostles and Jesus Christ Himself. The disease is sin and the pain I am going to experience is the denial of the very sinful passions that cause the disease. In fact, the only real cure for the disease is a self-inflicted suffering as a result of denying the passions.
This is the way I am to approach my life every day according to The Arena by Bishop Brianconinov. I must always keep before me the inevitable seperation of my soul and body; a very traumatic experience for a soul. Right after death, I will be called to trial before the Almighty Creator to receive sentencing for the crimes I have committed against Him. So, when any of passions arise and I am tempted to act on them, I must forever keep this in the forefront of my mind. A very sobering thought!
No, really, I am going to die! May God grant me many years.
11:51 AM
Tuesday, July 22, 2003
It has been quite a long time since I last blogged(James, your threats have finally been heard!). I have been very busy lately. So there!
I have been reading(a very long, ongoing process) The Brothers Karamozov and am always bombarded with so much spiritual information it is like a huge zip file you would download on your computer. My unzipping has been very slow. I will problably re-read it several times to get the full effect, if that is possible.
Anyway, I was struck, as is usually the case, hard when I read about an interaction between Alyosha(a novice monk) and Grushenka(? I think that is her name). Grushenka, up until this interaction, had been portrayed as a very selfish, evil young woman. Everything she did was planned with the most evil intentions at heart. One of these plans was to arrange for Alyosha to visit her and corrupt him with her body so that he would fall from his monk-hood. The interaction I am referrring to was when Alyosha finally visited her.
Alyosha was at a very low place in his life because his Elder(a very wise monk by the name of Father Zossima) had just died. Alyosha, it seemed as a response to his death, had become very despondent and had forsaken his vows. In this condition he allowed himself to be led by a theological student, who also wanted to see Alyosha fall, to Grushenka's. Upon arrival, it becomes very evident that Grushenka is distracted by something else to care that Alyosha is there. This infuriates the student because he had been promised a monetary reward for bringing Alyosha to her. As a result, he tells of all their plans to Alyosha describing in detail the evil character of Grushenka. Instead of responding in anger or disgust, he (Divinely?) sees that, at her core, she is not evil. In fact, he sees that she is suffering from hurt and humiliation at the hands of a would-be suitor that she has held on to for a number of years. Alyosha, as a consequence of his Saintliness(?), snaps out of his self-loathing to help Grushenka "deal" with her condition which subsequently helps him "deal" with his.
What struck me was that here was a person(Alyosha) who had "every right" to be grieving for his beloved master but still was able to put that aside to serve another person. A person that had wanted nothing but to see his destruction and his fall from goodness to join her in hell. I struggle with giving and serving others when I am hurt, angry, grieving, full of bitterness, spiteful(please fill in blank_______, I have been all of these things). Just like Alyosha, I want to experience God's healing Grace in the midst of helping others.
One Saint said, "In order to love God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength...you must love your neighbor as yourself. This is the foundation to love, and be loved by, God." I have always thought(according to my self-interpretation) that you must be loved by God to a certain level before you are capable of loving others. Another mystery. Only by loving others first will I experience God's love as Alyosha.
3:12 PM
