Friday, June 20, 2003
So, on our quest to obtain spiritual enlightenment, we are lead down many different paths. I found a place that offers a definitivie way to attain:
What? Couldn't find it? I saw this in an ad on a discussion group I am a part of. It had a beautiful picture of the bright sun with rays bursting forth through a break in some dark clouds. The ad said, "Spiritual Enlightenment is just a click a way:click here". When you clicked, you got the above. It is interesting because in the Protestant tradition I was raised in, I was encouraged to intelectually try to find such. However, as an Orthodox Christian, we are taught that intelectual knowledge is inferior to spiritual knowledge. In fact, ironically, many Saints that are considered to be very great believed that they were the least spiritually enlightened; the less they claimed to know of God. Something like God's goodness, as my good Friend Dee would say, is more important to accept regardless if you understand it or not. The danger lies in becoming distracted by understanding that you, as a result, refuse the free gift.
Monday, June 16, 2003
So, on the subject of differentiation, I have been putting this idea to the test with my younger brother Joel. He is in limbo right now because of the Army's incompetence. This has made him temporarily homeless. He has been staying with us for a week. Anyway, I have encountered some issues with him and responsibility. Where I find difficulty is that I vascilate between two extremes: being a friend-brother or a father-brother. I find that I respond to him only from these two extremes. When I am his friend-brother, I relate to him by being like him. When I am his father-brother, I respond to him out of irritation when he is not being responsible, alienating him in the process. Thus, the problem. I do not like the way I act whichever the extreme may be and I know, neither does Joel.
I have pondered this a bit and asked the question, "what is it about me that I should feel this way?" What I found is is that I do not want to lose him. I am afraid that if I do not relate to him by talking like him, joking like him, smoking with him, drinking with him that he will not want to have a relationship with me. I am also afraid that if I let him make his own choices that he will end up worse off than if I was not bitching at him all the time. I like having a brother who looks up to me, respects me, wants advice, or just wants to have fun with me. I do not like it when my brother does things that affect him, and me, negatively. I want to find the "middle ground" between the two extremes. This feeling of losing him underscores both extremes. This pushes on my ability to become more differentiated. Would not supporting Joel in heavy drinking, raunchy jokes, smoking mean that I do not want a relationship with him? Would wanting him to be responsible mean I do not want a relationship with him? No! I love my brother. I want him to succeed. I want to know him. In a lot of ways, this dynamic reflects a lot of what I think about myself. I haven't defined some of these same areas in my life. For me to love him, not bound by these extremes, I have to look at myself.
It is, and will continue to be, a learning experience for both of us.
