Wednesday, June 11, 2003
So, how does one become differentiated? This is the question that has been occupying a lot of my time. The struggle for me, as I have said before, has been not having a since of self. I find myself so often consumed with what others think of me. In a sense, I become emotionally confused with them. How they are feeling and what they think of me determines how I am going to respond to them. It is as if I am reflcecting their sense of self as being trully mine. Now, usually when I think of these things, which I have many times, I go right to self-contempt. How selfish I am, how uncaring I am, how I am such a horrible person blah, blah, blah...Now, I am not advocating that these are bad thoughts. As a Christian, we are called to examine ourselves and when I choose to not be seen, I am selfish, uncaring, and can act pretty shitty to people. However, when these thoughts are the end, not the means, I allow myself to be mired in the muck of pride and despondency. Like I have said before, I let myself off the hook here by not accepting responsibility. When these thoughts are the means for me to realize that I am weak and that God is made powerful in weakness, then I have access to His grace and mercy. I am trully seen by God. This also applies in relationship. When I let people see my sin, and I act as if I have no responsibility in my despair, the offended person feels my proud and uncaring attitude. But, if I allow them to see my actions and take responsibility for what I do, I am inviting myself to be seen and to see them.
The struggle lies in my ability to let myself be seen. Which, I am sure all of you who read this can relate. Wow, I am not alone! This is what is so powerful in seeing ourselves and others. We need eachother. Even more of a struggle for me is to begin to allow myself to be defined, in spite of others.
10:23 AM
