Friday, May 23, 2003
I want to take a break from humility to talk about something that has been occupying a lot of my time as of late. As posted on my blog, I also wanted this to be a place where I can learn to "differentiate myself". I have not talked about this at all because I have not really understood it any way shape or form. However, in the last month, things have happened that have enlightened my mind, and for that matter, my heart.
Differentiation is a process whereby we learn to define ourselves in the context of the crucible of life. In other words, we must learn to not run from crises in life that shake our very foundation, but learn to embrace them as a means to become more defined individually. I find that I want to approach life in such a manner, spiritually, sensually, and emotionally. What I am really struggling with is that I find that I am a "sickingly" nice guy. What I mean by this is that I tend to be a person that does all the right things(whenever I can control it, which is another post) to ensure that people are not offended by me and, subsequently, not reject me. What I find myself doing is constantly looking for a way for someone to "validate" me. As a result of this, I am never satisfied and as I am reminded by my closest friends and wife, neither are they. I have been hurt many times in my life and find that I associate love in a relationship by the absence of pain. When I am hurt, I am not loved. Also, when I hurt someone, voluntarily or involuntarily, I do not love them. As a result of 29 years of practicing this, I find that this no longer works for me. Why? Because I am horribly lonely and full of bitterness and anger. Don't get me wrong. I have deffended this method, practicing it faithfully, because it has worked for me. I didn't just stumble into this. This has allowed me to hide from people that hide as well. However, when I come in contact with a person that sees through this, I have to either try more ingenious ways to hide, or come clean. Coming clean when I don't want to feels very violating. All this to say that I am no longer satisfied with this. I want to be seen. I want to see others. I hate feeling like there is an enormous elephant in the room, but is never acknowledged.
My next post will address how I have been trying to approach this newly found approach and the struggle I am having.
Tuesday, May 20, 2003
Humility and the disease of sin, part I. James commented on my blog yesterday and opened a pretty fat can of worms. Please refer to the comment from yesterday.
Sin. What is it? What I meant by sin in its true form is that it is easy to look at sin as something that is directed at another human being, but not God. If I sin against James, by stealing one of his beers, I can easily ask him to forgive me and he will, if I offer him another. However, to contemplate that this was actually a sin committed directly agains God is another matter. For it was Him who told me not to steal. Sin in its true form is sin against God. Sin, seen in this light, becomes a lot more serious.
But, how is it serious? I mean, if Christ died on the cross "for my sins", then a simple, "Lord, forgive me for stealing James' beer" should suffice, right? I just need to have faith that He did this and that He forgives me. But the reason why I stole his beer has not been addressed. I am selfish when it comes to beer. So selfish in fact, that I would disregard offending James, and take what I wanted(barley wine, of course). Okay, so I ask Jesus to forgive me for this. Now what? I will still feel selfish the next time I run out of beer, and James hasn't. What is to keep me from stealing again? Where does this desire come from? In fact, a strong desire, because my desire to not offend James is left at the wayside. As an Orthodox Christian, I have come to understand sin as a disease, rather than an unchangeable condition i.e. It is inevitable that I will always sin. One sin is vanquished, another rises in its place. How do we become Christ as He commands us, if this is the case?
Did I answer the question? No, dammit! What is sin? Is it a descendant of the "original sin"? Can I blame Adam? If Adam wouldn't have sinned, I never would have been selfish and stolen James' beer, right? Is it possible that one of us wouldn't have eaten the apple? I wonder if some of the Saints I have read about would have eaten the apple. Blasphemy? Or, could there be an understanding of sin that doesn't include the guilt of "original sin"? Well, this is why this is part I.
Monday, May 19, 2003
Humility and my place before God, part II. As mentioned earlier, before I begin to pray, I try to contemplate my "true" place before God. As I was thinking of this I was reminded of the verse that says, "By this all men shall know that you are my disciples, that you have love one for another". Now I know that all sin, in its true form, is directed against God. So we are ultimately accountable to Him. Along with this, we are also accountable to the person we sin against. I wonder if another approach to humility is to consider myself condemned by another person when I sin against them. When I approach a person I have offended in this manner, it seems that it would be very difficult to try to find excuses for why I did the things that I did. When I ask for mercy, it would have to be genuine, not just to get "someone off my back". It would also be much harder for me to sin in the same way against them. It is so easy for me to concentrate on how another person offended me, which lessens the grief that I feel over my sin. This "sooths" that pang. "Lord, enlighten my darkened mind and heart".
