Thursday, May 08, 2003
Self-condemnation or repentance. This is a choice I find that I am faced with daily. I have already discussed the relationship between self-condemnataion and pride. What I haven't thought about a lot is what happens to my ability to love myself and others when I choose despondency. Or, what a Hiermonk called it at a lecture recently at our church, "toxic shame".
I was reading "The Brothers Karamazov" by Dostoyevsky when I read an account of an old Russian peasant woman who came to confess to Father Zossima, an "elder" in his community. She had been continually abused by her husband for many years. Three years before her visit to the monastary, she had murdered him. She came to the Father in guilt and self-condemnation. She had already been to confession two times and had asked God to forgive her, but was still suffering. Here is Father Zossima's response.
"Fear nothing and never be afraid. And don't worry. If only your penitence fail not, God will forgive all. There is no sin, and there can be no sin on all the earth, which the Lord will not forgive to the truly repentant! Man cannot commit a sin so great as to exhaust the infinite love of God. Can there be a sin which could exceed the love of God? Think only of repentance, continual repentance, but dismiss fear altogether. Believe that God loves you as you cannot conceive; That He loves you with your sin, in your sin. It has been said of old that over one repentant sinner there is more joy in heaven than over ten righteous men. Go, and fear not. Be not bitter against men. Be not angry if you are wronged. Forgive the dead man in your heart what wrong he did you. Be reconciled with him in truth. If you are penitent, you love. And if you love you are of God. All things are atoned for, all things are saved by love. If I, a sinner even as you are, am tender with you and have pity on you, how much more will God have pity upon you. Love is such a priceless treasure that you can redeem the whole world by it, and cleanse not only your own sin but the sin of others."
I was really moved by this. So many times I refuse to move beyond the horror of my sin that I become prideful and do not repent. Even more so, I become bitter against men and do not love others. I, in turn, am not able to receive love. Where is the Divine humility in this? God, forgive my pride and bitterness and my unwillingness to love.
Wednesday, May 07, 2003
Divine Humility and self-importance. A Saint has described one manifestation of Divine Humility as a general attitude in a person's life that he/she is less important than all others that he/she may come in contact. That was a very hard sentence for me to formulate. Anyway, the idea that I should consider all people in my life as more important than myself. Christ modeled this when He washed the disciples' feet. What does this look like? As mentioned in a discussion group I was a part of last night, do you have to consider a person that offends you unjustly as more important? What about justice? All I can say to this is, is that I don't understand it. What does it mean to turn the other cheek? Instead of turning my cheek, I want to throw my fist. This can be a physical or emotional manifestation. What does this need to throw my fist stem from? I hesitate to call it pride, but wait. Is that because to admit such a thing, I would have to be responsible for throwing the fist? That I was acting, not out of anger against injustice, but a need to make another suffer as they have made me suffer i.e. throwing a physical or emotional fist?
If Jesus, the Supreme Divinely Humble example, had operated like me, would I have access to Salvation?
Tuesday, May 06, 2003
So, I had a very interesting time with my friend Frank last night. We talked a lot about emotions and feelings, what are they, and how are they different. My blog yesterday about humility and good works was responsible. Anyway, I began thinking a lot about what I have been reading lately about what the soul is. What are feelings and emotions? Where do they come from? Well, as an Eastern Orthodox Christian, I have a lot of respect for the Saints of the Church and their writings so I tend to take very seriously there take on things. As I have mentioned already in a previous blog, the Saints view the soul as Triune in nature. These manifest as three "eyes"(forgive the anthropomorphism, Frank): 1)eye of the sensual contemplation 2)eye of the intellectual contemplation and 3)eye of the spiritual contemplation. As I mentioned yesterday, I am finding that "good works" do not have a lot to do with how I feel. But, I still feel. The Saints talk about the feelings as originating from the "eye of the senses". These feelings are the manifestation of the "sensual eye" interacting with its environment. The Saints also teach that it is very easy for a person to meet the needs of only one or two of the "eyes" at one time. In other words, to not feed the other eye(s). The eye of the senses must be allowed to feel, the eye of the intellect must be allowed to intellectualize, the spritaul eye must be allowed to discover things spiritual. When a person focuses on his senses, starving the intellect and spirit, he is tossed to an fro by what he feels, not able to do good works. When a person is focused on just the intellect, it is easy to rationalize everything at the risk of denying feelings. They all have to be balanced in order for a person to really live. I can relate to this in my own life. I have always, without understanding this relationship, focused on how I feel or how I can rationalize, never giving much thought to the spiritual. I was taught that everything spiritual has to do with these two approaches. In the last two years, I have come accross a spiritual way of living that also includes focus on the spiritual eye. What that is, I won't go into here, but suffice it to say, it is founded in the "laboratories of the heart": monastaries, and other ascetic people, living in the world throughout history.
I want to learn more of this eye. I am afraid, though, that what I will find is a shriveled and anemic organ that is in much need of sustinance!
Monday, May 05, 2003
Humility and good works. A friend of mine, Suj'n, commented(asked), "where is the balance between being prideful and being assured?" This is such a great question that sums up why I began this blog. How do I know when I have crossed this line? That is a real hard one. What I have always believed humility to be has turned out to be false in so many ways. What I am finding as I begin to "discover" myself, is that my "heart" is very deceitful. It is so easy for me to believe things, think things, about myself that may not be "true". I put these words in quotations because I am still defining them. They will be the topic of other entries, when I feel up to the challenge. What came to mind after reading Suj'n's comment was why I have decided to go to a nursing home to visit with the residents there.
As I have mentioned before, I have always been motivated by how I feel in a lot of situations, especially relationships. I find it very hard to sort through insecurity and meeting other's expectations. As a result of this, I can be very selfish when it comes to giving to others because I have to "feel" a certain way. If I feel insecure, or invalidated, I get the hell out of dodge. As a result, nothing is given, and the person on the receiving end of this is rejected by me. So, deciding when I should give always depends on if I "feel" like it. Well, I decided that I wanted to flush out why this is, and maybe discover a different way of handling this. To do this, I looked into going to a local nursing home with a lady from our church, to get to know and learn from elders in our community. What I found was is that a lot of the residents are incapable of a "regualr" conversation or interaction. A lot of them suffer from Alzheimer's Disease. This puts a person like me in a difficult situation. These people can not validate what I give to them. In fact, many times it is just the opposite experience. What is the point in going to the nursing home? Is what I give being received? Am I offending by giving when I do not know who I am giving to? Where is the assurance in this? I am doing a good deed, right? Shouldn't I be assured by this? Or, maybe it has nothing to do with how I feel, but a lot to do with the action of giving?
I know I really didn't address the question of what the fine line is, but in reading over the above, it would seem that "feeling" a certain way may not be a good indicator of when I should give or not to a resident at the nursing home. I know of one lady in particular who is able to voice how she feels in the midst of the raging storm of Alzheimr's. She will scream, when she is alone in her room, "Somebody help me! I'm scared!" She is very confused all of the time. What I have found is that by just holding on to her hand and talking calmly to her, she calms down and will even smile. Sometimes, she will get confused again and start to cry, but by remaining there, she calms down again. If I had not continued to visit her, I would never have found this out. I sure did not feel like seeing her. I felt like I was incapable of giving to her. I certainly didn't feel assured. Anyway, this is still far from being explored. Thankyou, Suj'n, for your comment.
