Friday, May 02, 2003
What is pride? Well, I thought that I had it all figured out until my pride was blaringly pointed out. I was reading, "A Night in the Desert on the Holy Mountain" by Nafpaktos Hierotheos, and a Gerondas(a very holy, ascetic man) described what he had discovered it to be: Ignorance! Essentially, ignorance of Divine power and human weakness. Wow! I was blown away by this. I have always attributed one aspect of pride to be the covering up, or refusal to acknowledge, my weakness. What about Divine power? God, in His great mercy and Divine humility, has made it possible for me to face my weakness because He is made strong in weakness. "A broken and contrite heart, He will not despise". If only I could really "understand" this. Maybe, as my Godfather James would say, I must do, then think. Approach my weakness with the purpose of exposing it to the "light", not to hide it. I do not need to wait to understand to do this. As my good friend DeeDee would say, "Sacrifice". Sacrifice validation and affirmation that comes with understanding, having people think I understand, to just doing. That is the challenge, when the moment presents itself.
Wednesday, April 30, 2003
Not much to say today. Only that I had an incredible conversation with my wife last night. Not to infringe on the sacredness of our time together, only that intimacy for me was taken to a whole new level. Intimacy for me has always been an interaction that ultimately validates two people. As mentioned yesterday, meeting another's expectations would dictate to me how intimate we are. However, as happened last night, it was more about sharing ourselves with each other without filtering through "other" validation. Sharing to be known, regardless of how the other person might or might not be able to handle it. I want to say it was a gift, but it was more of a sacrifice made to eachother; sacrificing self-vulnerability to reach...I can't think of a word to describe it. My formula: Intimacy=acceptance, understanding, good feelings has been challenged with Intimacy=self-disclosure in order to be known and to know, dropping needy(and infantile) affirmation for being a human being.
Tuesday, April 29, 2003
Humility: What is the connection between relationship and humility? Like I have somewhat explored before, I view it as a way to appease someone I have offended. It does not have a lot to do with, or anything really, repentance and leaving a "foreign land". It has always been for me a way to get the offended person to let me off the hook for what I have done to offend. In other words, I do not have to take responsibility for the offence. Where my humility falls apart is when the offended person is not affected by my "humility". They "see" through it. In fact, more offence is heaped upon their head from my lack of Divine humility, when the offended is willing to see the discrepancy. (A side note: From now on, since I am beginning to see that what humility is not, I will refer to what "true" humility is as Divine humility. This is not to say, however, that I have any idea what it might be. Hopefully, as time goes on, what Divine humility is not will be replaced with what it trully is.)
Now, I am willing to admit that this is very sinful. In fact, it is a very "offensive" sin, because it can wound in a very sneaky way. I know this, because I have been a victim of this. The way I deal with it, though, is to ignore it because it feels even more painful to see if for what it is. That is why I said before that one has to be willing to "see" it. Okay, it almost seems to me that I can be very proud of this discovery, except I do not become motivated by this revalation to stop doing it. Why? I believe the reason lies behind my motivation for both reactions to sneaky, non-Divine humility: I do not want to see that I do not measure up to other people's expectations and that others do not measure up to my own. Notice that I did not say that I do not measure up. But this is exactly why I do not measure up. I believe, down to my very core, that measuring up is to meet most, if not all, of other's expectations. The flip side of this, much harder for me to admit, is that for other people to measure up to me they have to meet all of mine. Was this Christ's approach to humanity? To me?
Now, I am going to stop here because I am in danger of "diluting" out this connection. I don't want to analyze this to death because thinking too long is a way for me to deaden its impact.
Monday, April 28, 2003
I wrote a long post, thought I posted it, didn't, and now it's gone! I am too tired and too busy to write it again. In a nutshell, I am having the post-Pascha blues and feel a little despondent. Forgive me, Lord.
"Lord, I call upon you, hear me. Hear my prayer. Attend to the voice of my prayer when I call upon you. May my prayer arise in your sight as incense. And may the lifting up of my hands be a pleasing sacrifice. Hear me, oh Lord."
Part of a prayer we sang during Lent. Pascha was incredible. We had a sunny day and were with great friends. Sad it is over. But wait, this whole week is Bright Week. The celebration doesn't stop!
